Q: “Hi, I am 33 years old and I have been with my husband (married for 3 years) for over 15 years now. Our relationship has always been on the emotional side is sex in my culture is not accepted before marriage. We don’t even talk about it. Even after, we tried only a couple of times and its very very painful for me and not fun at all. I am not sure if its just in my mind or if there is something physically wrong with me. I am usually very bad at explaining any of my physical problems. I really feel bad for my husband but he is super faithful and never asks for it. I know he deserves so so much more. Now we are planning to have kids and there will be tries, I want to make it perfect for both of us and a happy experience. I am illiterate in this scenario (no porn, no masturbation, no toys, i don’t even know the movements honestly). I don’t even know who should I consult. S.”
A: Dear S., Thank you so much for your message. I’m sorry you’re feeling strong pain during sex, it sounds awful. It’s hard to answer your question without asking more questions, but let me give you an overall feedback with a few ways you could approach the issue. Also, here’s more information on Painful Intercourse Symptoms and Causes
- My heart goes out to you knowing how taboo sex is in certain cultures. Sexuality is vast and beautiful and can be experienced in a variety of ways some of which include kissing, touching, playing with fingers, tongues, intercourse etc. Speaking about sexuality and voicing the issues is so important so you and your husband are on the same page and can start working together to achieving wonderful and fulfilling experiences together. Masturbating and learning about your body and what gives you pleasure as well as feeling relaxed and happy about yourself is so important as well
- As a first step I’d encourage you to talk to your husband and mention that you are feeling pain, that it’s no one’s fault and you’ll just start taking steps to investigate and educate yourselves about what to do next to resolve this
- Second step I’d take is speak to a doctor to rule out any physical issues that may be causing the pain – in some cases you may need to see a gynecologist or physio therapist to resolve any physical symptoms you may have
- Then I’d make sure that you and your husband understand anatomy and physiology as well as sexual play techniques to see how to get you in the mood, excited, ready for intercourse (if that’s the goal) – kissing, oral sex, finger stimulation, toys such as vibrators, emotional connection, relaxation, deep breathing into your stomach etc.
I’m happy to help with the last point and teach. If you’d like to find out more about how sessions work, please reach out for a free Discovery call: https://spiritsexlab.as.me/Discovery
Please know that sky is the limit for you and you can achieve anything you set your mind to!
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with talking about sexuality and what you’re experiencing.