Q: “Hi Evguenia, how does one revive a completely dead libido? I’m in a sexless marriage – the desires have gone down to absolute zero.” A. V.
A: Hi A., thank you for your question! You’re not alone… According to author Seth Stephens-Davidowich, “sexless marriage” is the most Googled phrase about sex and marriage — even beating out “unhappy marriage” and “loveless marriage.” Stephens-Davidowich reports over 21,000 folks search for sexless marriage results every month.
In my mind, some questions to ponder would be:
- How’s the emotional connection between you two?
- Do you know what your love languages are?
- Do you masturbate – can you access your own libido/sexual force?
- Do you communicate your desires/love for each other?
- How often do you go on dates/spend time together just the two of you?
- Do you know what turns you and your partner on?
Below are a few of my thoughts on the topic.
Emotional connection plays an important rule with regards to our libido. If there’s an on-going conflict, either of the partners feels underappreciated / disrespected or unloved, they may feel more distant and not willing to emotionally and physically engage. Communicate in Loving Non Defensive ways. Examine your feelings towards each other and possibly address any underling conflict / issues that may be keeping you from connecting even deeper. Look up Five Love Languages and understand your and your partner’s preferences.
Connect with your own Sexual Force
Connect to your own source of sexuality, sensuality, playfulness and seduction. Feel into what this means to you – we are all different. It may mean taking the time to indulge in long warm bubble baths while playing with yourself, watch sexy movies, dance or take a strip chair class, get new lingerie, use your favorite vibrator, let yourself know how much you love your own mirror reflection.
This source of love, sexiness and pleasure is inside of each of us – feel the fire, focus on it, think of things that turn you on and schedule them into your week.
Once you understand what turns you on, you could start communicating your needs, desires and fantasies to your partner. I have recently published an Answer on how to communicate about our Sexual Fantasies and Needs. Please Follow This Link to read more on techniques/strategies I am suggesting.
Common Intention and Prioritization
There’s a misconception that sex needs to happen spontaneously and cannot be premeditated. Having been married for 22 years, I wholeheartedly disagree. What keeps sexuality alive is our ability to prioritize around it while putting other things aside: responsibilities towards kids, hobbies etc. We need to carefully plan the time around weekly dates during which we can rekindle our fire and connect with the partner. We need to set our common intention to focus on each other and spending pleasant time together doing things we enjoy.
According to relationship expert Esther Perel, relationships thrive on unpredictability, mystery. Add some spice into your play time by coming up with unusual ideas each time. You could:
- Separate Giving and Recieving
- Explore Tease and Denial
- Focus on different Sexual Play scenarios each time (i. e. only touch of non typical erogenous zones, only oral, dirty talk etc.)
Other turns ons are doing exciting activities together (rock climbing, walks, new experiences) or watching your partner in action doing something they love when they shine the most.
Perhaps, the first time you’d like to explore your intimacy with the partner, you will start very gradually by touching your partner’s face, hands, legs, tummy, chest, back (avoiding the erogenous zones). You could explore various ways of touching them, using fingers, palms, back sides of your hands and varying the pressure. You could add massage oil, ice or play with varying your breath temperature, licking their skin… Don’t rush – take 30-40 minutes to explore the giving. Go very slowly. Be playful and focus on giving/receiving pleasure and physical sensations. Your partner can tell you what they love which will better guide you in your future exploration. Then you can switch and try this on you. The intention while doing this exercise for both partners is to be in the moment, experience the sensations, pleasure and connection without expecting a result (orgasm, penetration etc.).
Play, create and be mindful. Feel the energy between you. Don’t be afraid to ask for guidance (Marriage Councillors, Sex therapists or other Sexuality Educators). You can do it!
I hope you found this article useful. For more in depth exploration of the topic of communications and sensuality – please see some of the Services I Offer and feel free to Reach Out. My heart’s biggest desire is to help others fully accept themselves and live happy and passion-filled lives!