Question: “Evguenia, I tend to be a bit shy when I try to communicate my fantasies and needs to my husband. How can approach this subject and not feel embarrassed or burst into laughter? E. F.”
Answer: E., thank you very much for reaching out! Communicating our needs (especially sexual fantasies, turn ons and turn offs) does tend to get a bit difficult for many of us. There’s so much negativity, shame and guilt associated with the topic of sexuality in the world that a lot of time we have many fears associated with discussing various topics related to sex.
I think what is important in communicating with the partner about any topic (including sexual fantasies/preferences) is non-defensiveness, honesty and vulnerability on the part of the communicating partner as well as openness, love and judgement free space holding on the side of the receiving one.
When we learn about our own preferences and accept them as healthy, unique and beautiful – we can honestly communicate these to our loved ones. Below are a few ways how one may communicate their fantasies, and ask for feedback:
- “I feel a bit self conscious talking to you about sexuality, but I’m trying to communicate better in order to make our sex life even more wonderful. Could you please support me through it?”
- “I’d love to tell you about some of the fantasies/things that turn me on and my fear is that you may judge me or think less of me – could you please listen openly and just receive?”
- “I find this fantasy really hot, how do you feel about trying it out?”
- “I’d really love to do ___ , would you like to try it with me?”
- “I love being penetrated from behind – would you like to fuck me?”
- “I would love to explore a dominant and sadistic role today – could we tap into that? Please let me know what your fantasies and limits are with regards to being tied up, submissive or receiving impact play (i. e. flogging, spanking ).”
- “I enjoy giving hand massages – would you like to experience them?”
- “Would love to try this play idea out – it looks so hot, is it ok with you?”
- “This looks so sexy, could we try it out?”