Sex Drive Differences

Q: “Dear Evguenia, I am wondering if there are ways/techniques which could help me “relax” my libido. I need sex twice a day and my wife’s drive is much lower. I feel like I’m putting too much pressure onto her”. A. S.

A: Dear A, thank you for such a great question! Different sex drives are very common among partners and many people are dealing with the same type of dilemma. Here are my two cents on how you could make things a little bit more manageable. For more in depth exploration please contact me for a private/group session on a Sexual Guidance topic of your choice.

Understanding the sexual drive differences

We are all beautifully unique and as such our sexual intensity and appetites differ. It’s good to know where we and our partners stand with regards to this. For example, how strong would I rate my/my partner’s sexual desire on a scale between 1-10. How sexual do you/your partner consider yourselves to be? How different are we? Once we identify the approximate differences, we could see what types of ideas we could come up with to bridge the gap.

Turn ons, turn offs and love languages

We all have different fantasies, preferences and things that turn us on (put us in sexual, playful mood) and turn us off (put breaks on any type of sexual activity). It’s important to invest some time into realizing our preferences as well as our main love languages / primary senses. I go through these explorations with my clients in workshops and private sessions and they always offer great insights into personal and couple’s preferences.

Once we’re clearly aware of the types of activities, experiences, states of being, visual stimuli etc. that turn us on/off; we could try to tailor more of them to the person with lower sex drive and try to make them feel more comfortable with the experiences.

Sexual Acts Spectrum

It’s good to sit down and discuss various activities we could do as partners that would work for both. The spectrum is huge. Kissing/touching/massage/sensation play/oral/vaginal/anal/prostate or Gspot stimulation. Sexual orientation exploration, BDSM play, tantric or energetic practices, exhibitionism/voyerism, multiple partner fantasies etc…

For example:

• “Would you like me to caress your body, hug and kiss you while you’re playing with yourself?” could be something a partner with lower sex drive could suggest
• “Could you undress slowly in front of me while I’m watching you and masturbating?” could be a request of a higher sex drive partner
• “I’d love it if we could dirty talk, openly fantasize together about having an FFM while you’re playing with my penis with your hands and/or using my favorite toys” is another great option

Masturbation

Take the matter into your own hands – figuratively and literally speaking. You may just be content to play with yourself – take yourself out on dates, learn more about tantric self practices, multiple orgasms touch free etc.

Sublimation

You may also try to use the energy to fuel creativity and begin painting, dancing or wood working. Channel your energy into sports, workouts and solving issues. Sexual energy is just another form of our beautiful essence that can be directed. Multiple teachings such as Tantra or DS relationships work on limiting ejaculation for example and using the energy to achieve higher forms of energetic expressions, ecstasy or service.

Concider Opening Up

Monogamy is a default relationship model that most folks subscribe to, however, there are multiple other relationship model options you could pick and choose from if both partners agree to the exploration. Monogamish (mostly monogamy with some agreed upon adjustments), Swinging, non sexual or sexual BDSM play, Polyamory, Threesomes in which two people are actively involved and the other to an extent are just some ideas a couple may want to explore.